Waiting For Someday ~ A Personal Reflection
I guess at this stage of my life I'm getting tired of waiting for someday ..... the someday when everything is going to fall into place, where bounty abounds and I put out my full-time healer sign on the door - never to look back again to my 9-5 job that currently sustains me and my family. When do I start living the life I was meant to live and following the passion of my heart and soul's purpose? What have I been waiting for all this time? What has stopped me from following my dreams - fear of failure, fear of success, the relationships I knew I had to leave behind? When will I stop living this life for everyone except me? I wonder why I always thought everyone else's issues were so much more significant than mine and why I kept putting my goals off.
I started playing the lottery. I figured I'm lucky enough and I really needed a big break so that I could get on with the happily-ever-after part. I wasn’t even greedy about it. I didn’t need the recent windfall of $340 million. I would have been perfectly happy with just a few million. My dreams as a whole seemed so big, almost like a story book fantasy. Is that possible? What about these relationships in my life that no longer served a purpose? Why haven't I let them go in peace? Was I afraid of spending some time alone? And what about the healthy body I've been meaning to have - oh yeah and my spotless house? I had high hopes of hiring a cleaning service, a nutritionist, a cook, a personal trainer and someone to clean up after my pets and if they wanted to write out my bills too, well that would be icing on the cake.
I swear I'd have it all if I just had more time.
When did I turn 41 - wasn't I just 31 yesterday? My baby is 15 now and I just started losing the baby fat. She doesn't care if our house is spotless - she just wants to enjoy time with me. Why did it take me 41 years to figure out what's most important? Procrastination played a big part and I kept creating diversions so that I didn’t have to address my own core issues, especially when I was busy trying to fix everyone else’s. Once I stopped the chatter and looked within, I realized that I can create everything I want. A wise person reminded me to listen to my inner voice and follow the steps I was being given. I guess at some point, I stopped hearing my inner voice because I was filled with the chatter of my ego. I thought, ‘Well Lord, if you’ve given me this gift of healing, why then didn’t you fix everything else in my life so that I could concentrate completely on healing and why am I working full-time on anything other than healing”?I thought that once I discovered my life purpose, I was going to quit my job and put out my healer sign on the door and the rest of my life would fall into place like a puzzle. If I were to do that, I would never have succeeded. People would never have taken me seriously. It took time and patience and practice.
I’m not saying that what I wished for was wrong. I just realized that I didn’t have to put off my life until it all just magically happened upon me. All of a sudden it's starting to click - like - WOW - I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be on earth. I have lessons to learn. I can live in this very moment and enjoy it because that's all there really is. I read a book about living in the now and I don't think it made sense until this very moment. What was I always worrying about? I cannot change the past. I cannot guarantee the future. All I have is this moment and I guess I intend to live it. I can have the house of my dreams. I can pay off my excess debts, manifest what I want and know with true faith and determination I will have it along with anything else I want. I am creative. I can plan. I don’t need to win the lottery to be happy (but I’m still ok with it Lord if I’m meant to).
Of course I still want a clean house, but I don't obsess over it so much anymore. It’s not what defines me. I live more comfortably. I enjoy my children and my grandchildren and my pets and my comfy furniture. I do my laundry when I need it instead of every day because it works better for me that way. It’s funny that when my ‘regular’ clothes are in the laundry and I’m digging through my closet for something to wear, you know – the bottom of the barrel stuff - it always seems that people say how nice I look. Hmmm, so I guess I am creative. I make time to relax. I nurture my relationships. I play. I buy myself flowers every week and I stop to smell them every day. I am a powerful healer and I am able to help others without losing myself. I am noticing little miracles all the time and I am thankful to be exactly where I am.
For the first time in my life, I can say I’m really living and enjoying it every step of the way.
~Cathy
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